Me and Myself (Ride with Me to Hell)

Writer: Maryam Abdallah

Editor: Khaled Mohamed


I feel like Im floating in my own head

Drifting from reality to the place I always feared, darkness. My darkness. It’s scarier and more intimidating. Sometimes when I go there, I feel like I’ll never come back. My heart would start beating faster and my body would start to go cold. What’s most painful is reminiscing about the past.

“Oh, so you decided to entertain us now. Well, take your seat, and let’s begin.” 

My mind would begin its, now daily, task: tormenting and killing me slowly and painfully.

Insecurities haunt me

I could feel the edges of her nails dancing against my skin, making me shiver. She was behind me, and I could feel her. Worse, I could hear her.

“Do you remember those times you tripped and fell infront of your entire class? Do you remember how hard they laughed at you? Or how embarrassed you were?”

Her voice was menacing and dark, however, I didn’t feel a thing.

“This was something from the past, something that I myself laughed at.”

When I didn’t give her the reaction she was expecting, she laughed.

“Someone’s acting all tough and strong – which, by the way, won’t help you – but just you wait.”

Lack of self-confidence, self-doubt

She was prancing around me with a slow, steady pace.

“Let’s see…. Do you remember that time when you were giving a presentation in front of your class, and you blurted out the wrong definition of “sensitive”? I mean, for god’s sake, how come you didn’t know the meaning of this word? It’s “sensitive”, you idiot,”

Damn, I remember this one. It was so embarrassing, I saw a few people laughing at me. I remember how much I wanted to cry, but I didn’t.

“Or that time when you asked your friend a hundred times if you look good, when we all knew you looked ugly with your big nose and dull face,”

I took a few breaths, in and out, in and out again. I can’t let her get to me. She can’t win, not this time.

“Oh, or that time – wait let me remember who exactly did it,” She paused, resting her finger on her chin, “Ah, right.… Do you remember that time when that teacher, the one that used to hate you, said that you had an awful voice in front of all your friends?”

She can’t be really be that mean. But then again, this is my mind, my own flesh we’re talking about here.

“Stop it.” I muttered.

“Wait, wait, this one was too funny, ” She started smiling wickedly, “Do you remember when that guy insulted you in front of everyone?”

“Stop itttt.” I said again, louder this time, but she ignored me and continued on. Looking me in the eye, pure evil dripping out of them.

“Seriously, take my advice and try to stop annoying people. So that you don’t get humiliated in front of everyone. They’ll realize that you’re just a piece of junk though, eventually.”

True, all what she said was true. I’ve always been that kid that no one loved.

I tried to ignore her. I kept quiet and didn’t utter a word, too scared of how painful her comebacks would be.

Humility, meekness, timidity, uncertainty

“You know that you’re not important anyways; no one will care if you die. No one will ask, no one will bat an eye,” she whispered the last part directly into my ear, her words echoing throughout my skull.

“No one will care.”

“I don’t care, everything’s in the past now. I really don’t care about them,” I tried to keep my voice steady, but it was hard. So hard. Her words cut deep wounds in my heart.

“Oh, really? So you’re telling me that this one time when one of your friends left you and went to hang out with the other girls – that this memory doesn’t hurt you right now? Or when your friend chose to play with the other girls instead – this one doesn’t hurt you when you think about it either?”

I cleared my throat and shrugged, “Y-yes.”

She leaned down, her hands grabbing my face harshly, her eyes peering directly into mine.

Nervousness, hesitancy, anxiety, uneasiness and vulnerability

“This one will destroy you.”

I narrowed my eyes, then spat on her face. “Go to hell.”

She raised an eyebrow, amusement now filling her eyes. Slowly, her lips curled into a slight, devilish smile.

“Tell me, how are things going with you and your dad?” 

Oh, no no no no. She can’t be serious.

My senses stopped functioning, my blood ran cold, and everything seemed to freeze in place. My face was morphing from one expression to another, my heart was beating too fast. How can she do this to me? She knows exactly how sensitive this subject is to me.

My breathing became uneven, and my walls started to sink, one by one.

Memories ran through my mind, each one worse than the other.

“Do you remember when he said that you are doing nothing but goofing off when you’d spent the previous night doing nothing but studying? Do remember how upset you were that night? How can your father treat you like that? Of course he would. You know why? ‘Cause you are a failure.”

I shook my head furiously at her words, my hands clenching into fists. She was painfully and easily getting to me, she was killing me slowly.

“Or when he said that you were faking being tired and sick,”

“DAMN IT, STOP!” I screamed loudly, begging her.

She smirked. “Never.”

Worry

Worry about everything that’ll happen, and everything that’s happened.

Regret any and every action I’ve ever taken, even if it was righ

“This one time you talked to that guy who you had a crush on, he didn’t like you. You were too skinny and your personality was too shitty for his own liking,” I loved him so much, he was so special to me. How could she do this to me? But, then again, she was right. He didn’t like me, I knew it. He treated me poorly.

“He was just playing with you. You were nothing to him.” I smiled sadly at her happy face, and nodded my head. My fingers rested on my mouth, while my lips quickly curled back down into a frown.

All these ate me alive.

I started feeling pain in my shaking hands, and an unbearable pressure in my throat.

“Why are you doing this?” I said, my voice cracking. Slowly, a tear flowed down my face.

Her body went stiff and her movement stopped, her head slowly turning to face me with eyes now full of rage and anger.

“Are you seriously asking this question? You’re the one who hurt me first. You’re the one who tortured me every night. I used to cry every night because of you. You changed a lot, you became so closed-off and alone. You hurt me and you know I’m not used to being lonely. You killed me every day with your negativity. You made me someone I always feared. Damn you for doing this. I wasn’t like this; I was a cheerful person who cared about nothing and was happy 24/7. You’re the reason I’m like this. You’re the reason I’m hurting you right now. I HATE YOU!”

I broke down, tears running down my face while I was sobbing. “I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen! I didn’t want to change, trust me I don’t. I want to go back to being my normal self. But it’s hard, so hard. Everything changed. People left me, the ones we used to love left and changed. Everything changed and everything got worse. I know that you’re hurt, but so am I! You can’t just keep me here forever and torture me. I know you’re upset with me, but I’ll try. I’ll change, but please don’t leave me and go! We are one team, always and forever, remember? I am sorry, so sorry. It’s just so hard to be who you want me to be when everything and everyone keeps hurting me.” I was stuttering a lot, sniffling a lot, and I couldn’t breathe well. My heart felt like it was bursting out of my chest.

I looked up at her again. She was looking at me with a broken expression; her eyes held sympathy for the first time in forever. She sighed deeply and kneeled down in front of me, tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear.

“I’m sorry too. I got so caught up in my feelings and forgot about you and how much you’re dealing with. We are one, and we’ll fight together, forever. I am so sorry. Will you forgive me?”

Her voice was so soft.

I let it all out and started crying and apologizing, so much so that I began coughing furiously and had trouble breathing.

“LISTEN TO ME! TAKE A DEEP BREATH. TRY TO INHALE AND EXHALE. STOP THINKING AND JUST LISTEN TO MY VOICE.” She was speaking clearly and loudly, trying to save me. It took some time, but I eventually calmed down.

“Thank you.” I whispered with a low voice.

But she’d already disappeared. The black walls that surrounded me started fading away, and the tiny light hanging from the ceiling slowly morphed into my nightstand, the walls changed from black to the light blue colour of my room. I was back on my bed, resting my head on the pillow as if nothing had happened.

“Let’s go to sleep.” A voice somewhere said, but I was too tired to look around so, I did what I was asked to do. Slowly, I closed my eyes and everything turned black. And finally, I gave myself the rest she needed.